stephen colbert i am america and so can you

Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble.If marriage is suddenly available to everyone, I'm not sure I want to make those sacrifices. For instance, my wife frowns on me having sex with anyone but her. Now marriage involves a lot of sacrifice.The biggest threat facing America today - next to socialized medicine, the Dyson vacuum cleaner, and the recumbent bicycle - is Gay Marriage.Sex is like the death penalty: One outcome, so many different ways of carrying it out.To really make the divers demonstrate some skill, the diving events should be held in a zero-G environment like the International Space Station.ģrd Base: A Randy Joke 'Why did the mayonnaise blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.'

Diving: Not sure what the big achievement is in walking off the end of a plank and succumbing to gravity.

Pointing out an adversary's flaws is a tradition as old as wife-stealing.

Part Two: My American Adolescence Chapter Five: Sports Which shows how Shinto hooks you - once you've prayed to a few spirits, you've 'gotta catch 'em all!'

A whole bunch of magical beings based on different parts of nature? That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

Quit trying to steal our spot as guiltiest religion, Jews! If your mother knew about this blatant theft, it would kill her- kill her.

Protestantism: This is a variant form of Christianity, or 'heresy'.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Since seniors can't read this, I can say whatever I want about them.

A messy home sends a coded message to children: 'I'm not loveable.

Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased.

Part One: My American Childhood Chapter One: The Family

Like our Founding Fathers, I hold my Truths to be self-evident, which is why I did absolutely no research.

Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word.

5 Quotes about I Am America (And So Can You!).

Stephen colbert i am america and so can you